How I was almost seduced into buying a ragweed filled heating pad

Don't go shopping this Christmas. It isn't safe...
I always thought Christmas shopping was harmless, miserable and time-consuming until yesterday, when I was nearly molested by a saleswoman at a kiosk in the Mall.

The day started out simply enough. I would work until 12:30 and then take off to do some Christmas shopping. Dustin was home and decided he would go too, which of course totally eliminated me from picking up anything for him during my excursion. We arrived at the mall and circled the lot for about half a day, looking for a parking space that would seemingly never appear.
(This is the equivalent of a child waiting for Christmas...."Is it here yet? Is it here yet?")

Our main goal for this journey was to find several bottles of body lotion that Sherry likes that are sold exclusively at a garish, black and pink, boudoir themed store that we'll call (for legal reasons)
"Vicky's undisclosed information."

What seemed like a perfectly easy task, quickly turned into a nightmare of unwanted advances and unbridled embarrassment. How could I have known that lurking beneath the garish glow of the neon lighted mallway was a Pakistani Princess/slash/sex-pot saleswoman with wares to peddle to unsuspecting men.

"Hey," a sultry accented voice called out to me. "I vant to show yous someting." The voice said. Suddenly, a woman clad in cleavage-baring black stepped in front of me. "You buy dis from me, yez?" She asked.

"What...." I began.
She suddenly whipped out a floral printed microwavable heating pad and slung it around my neck.
"Oooof!" I said.
"Vat do yous smell?" The saleslady asked as she batted her long lashes at me from beneath her curly mop of hair, all the while pushing her comely endowments into my chest. I fought to keep eye contact and made an effort to look anywhere but down.
"I don't know..." I started, "It smells like herbs or something."

"Yous like dis smell?" She asked.
"Uh, it's okay, I guess" I said.
She pulled out a list of ingredients that were contained in this tea-smelling concoction and rattled them off in her husky, ethnic tones.
"Yous like dis smell?" She said, shoving a small bean bag shaped heating pad into my nose.
"It smells like grass." I said

"Yez, it's errrbs and spizes" She said and then added "Yous have luwer bag pain?"
"Lower BACK pain?" I asked.
"This being what I have said" She said.
She reached over to a shelf in her kiosk and then flung her arms around me pulling me close.
I looked at Dustin who wore a mix of embarrassed amusement on his face.
She finished fastening a heating pad around me and I soon began to sweat from the heating pad combo I was wearing on back and neck.
"Wow, I'm hot" I said. She smiled and batted her eyelashes.

"Yous buy dis now?" She asked.
"I don't think so" I said.
"Try dis" she said and motioned for me to take off my glasses.
She then rubbed an ice version of the pad on my closed eyes, and I must admit that I did find it soothing. Plus, it didn't smell like a barn loft full of hay.
Dustin looked like he wanted to laugh.
"Here, Dustin, You try it" I said, motioning to Dustin. She rubbed the pads on his eyes too, although he seemed unimpressed at the ice pads.

I moved to unfasten the heating pads strapped to me and the Pakistani Princess moved as if to impale me with her chest once again. I took a quick step back and removed the heating pads.
"You buy dis for yer Vife?" She asked.
"I'd have to ask her." I answered.
"You zurprize her and buy now." She said, almost demanding my cooperation.
"No, I don't think so" I said, sounding tougher than I meant to, but really wanting to get far away from her.

"Okay" she said. "Have good day." She took the pads from my hands and turned away quickly.
"Huh..." I said to no one in particular. Dustin and I quickly stepped in to our destination store and began to look for lotions.
"She was totally flirting with you, Dad" Dustin said.
"She was just trying too hard to make a sale."
"Were you embarrassed?" He asked.
"Well, I've never wanted to be so far away from breasts in my life!" I answered.
"Dad!" Dustin exclaimed.

I told Sherry about it when we got home and we both had a good laugh about it. Later that evening, while Sherry and I were shopping we saw the woman again. She was in the middle of grabbing a man by the sleeve as we passed her little stand.
"Hey!" She said to the man, "I vant to show yous someting." As I looked his way I could see the fear in his eyes.