Just ask Dave

Lately it seems I've been inundated with letters asking for advice on life, health and matters of the heart. The following are just a few of the thousands of cries for help that I've received.


Dear Dave,

What time of day should I water my lawn?

Lisa R. Des Moines, Iowa

Thanks for writing, Lisa. I always find it best to water my lawn at dusk, that way it has a chance to soak in overnight, and causes less damage to your lawn, due to the heat of the sun.


Dear David,

My Dad won't let me listen to whatever kind of music I want to. Not only that, but he won't let me watch "R" rated movies! What do you think of that?

Dustin C. Independence, Missouri

Uh, Dustin, can we discuss that later?

Dear Dave,

My husband says he'd like to spice up our marriage by playing with toys...are there any you would suggest?

Sarah P. Omaha, Nebraska

That's a tricky question, Sarah...but I'd have to say an etch-a-sketch might be fun, or maybe silly putty...but not a slinky, never a slinky!

Dear Dave,

What kind of tree would you like to be?


Anonymous New York, NY

Barbara Walters, is that you? (oh, and to answer your question... a Douglas Fir)

Dear David,

What is the fastest land animal?

Teddy K. Washington, D.C.

Good Question, Ted... The Cheetah is the fastest land animal.

Dear David,

If you could have dinner with 6 people from any time in history, who would it be?

Keith T. Topeka, KS.

Wow, great Question! I'd have to say Jesus, of course, followed by Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Stewart and Abraham Lincoln. Then I'd want Ben Franklin and Martin Luther King to be there too. I have a million questions for all of them!

What books would you rate as your favorites?

Anonymous bookstore clerk, Independence, Mo

Thanks for asking, Anonymous... 1. The Bible 2. A Prayer for Owen Meany 3. Shoeless Joe 4. The Catcher in the Rye 5. Purpose Driven Life

Hey Dave,

Boxers or Briefs?

Hillary C. New York

Actually, Hillary...I prefer thong underwear.

Dear Dave,

I have two coins that equal 30 cents, and one of them isn't a quarter... what coins do I have?

Zach B. Hollywood, CA

Wait, I know this one...it was on the Mensa test, wasn't it?


Well, kids...that's it for this week.... I'll try to run some more questions soon!

Have a great fourth of July!

David

Evil White Republican Male

After yesterday's blog I received a comment from a friend that my negative comments needed a counterpoint...so on her blog she referred to me as her "friend...the Evil White Republican Male."

So, I jokingly called her my "snide black libretarian female" friend... Now, my question is... was I being politically incorrect, or was she? (or were we?)

I think amongst friends, it's safe to label one another...(and in the right situation it can be sexy and fun, but I digress...)

In any event, when I wrote yesterday's blog, I was trying to be funny while making a point..(yes Gail, I know...keep trying!) But I didn't even think of it as being negative. (snarky and snide? yes. Negative? No.)

Another friend asked if I'd had a bad day. Wow! Did no one get my humor at all?
I can understand my good friend, Crackbaby not getting it, but then again, he's still stumped about how people fit into the box when he's watching TV...(again, I digress...)

That being said, I hereby dedicate yesterday's post to Crackbaby...who I know will never read it because if he does it might offend him knowing that behind his back several people call him "crackbaby." Then again, he might not get it...

Dave

Top 10 Things that Tick me Off!

10. Cell Phones: I can't stand them! Especially in traffic or in stores... As soon as people turn them on, their manners go out the window.

9. 14-year-old girls who dress like they're in college and swear like sailors! I work in public a lot, and I see a lot of bad behavior, but there's nothing worse than a burping, giggling, half-dressed-trash talker who should be home watching the Disney Channel!

8. Bad service in stores/restaurants, etc... I hate it when I feel like I have to interrupt a sales person to get their attention. Even worse is at a restaurant when you ask a question and get "I don't know" for an answer! (or when they screw up your order at the drive-thru!!!)

7. Bad Drivers...Okay, if you want to end your life on the highway by speeding and swerving in and out of lanes, be my guest! Just leave me out of it, okay?

6. People who blame the President for everything. Am I crazy about his every decision? No, but for Pete's sake, he didn't kill Jimmy Hoffa and he didn't start Vietnam! He did not shoot Abraham Lincoln and he didn't put Charles Manson up to anything! Give the guy a break once in a while...GEEZ!

5. Top Ten Lists (I was going to say people with food in their teeth, but I just remembered I didn't floss after lunch!)

4. Mohawks and Goth Gear... I know you're trying to make a fashion statement, but the only statement you're making is "Help! I can't dress myself!" And I really hope the Huron Indians come and kick your butts for stealing their Hair styles!

3. People who say "Really?" after you just told them something.... (No, I'm lying....)

2. Crack Babies... Yeah, they look all helpless, but are they really?

1. People who don't read my blog...