The Legend of Big Poop

As I recall it was a Friday night the first time that Big Poop made an appearance at the Store. (You know the store...It's that big bookstore chain with the initials B&N). I had just finished taking my break with my old pal, Scott...When nature called.

I walked from the breakroom to the men's room and as soon as I entered the restroom, a foul odor wafted up towards my nostrils. Now, as a Scout Leader who has done some time at Scout Camp, you never really ever forget your first whiff of campground latrine...But this, my friend, was much, much worse!

I approached the stall with trepidation. "What if there was a decomposing body in there?" I thought. I crept slowly across the room, catching a glance of myself in the mirrors above the sink. I looked pale in the fluorescent light of the Men's Room...or was I just scared?

Quietly and cautiously I opened the stall door a few inches at a time. There it was, lying in the toilet, taking up a lot of space, displacing most of the water...heck, sticking three whole inches out of the water! But, what was it? A human head? It was kind of close in size to a human head. A Fisher-Price Schoolbus? No, toy schoolbuses weren't that big. A Football? No, it wasn't the right shape. A Loaf of bread? Nope, but it was a loaf of something...

It was the dung of the legendary "BIG POOP." I ran to the breakroom not sure if I should laugh or gag. Scott was just finishing his break when I dashed through the door. "Man," I said..."I know you just finished eating, but you've got to come see this!"

"What is it?" He asked innocently, not knowing that in a very few minutes his life would be changed forever. I asked "Scott, do you have a weak stomach?" He answered "No, I'm good, what have you got?" "You tell me..." I answered.

Scott threw open the stall door. "What the heck is that?" He asked, leaning over the stool. "Is it what I think it is?"

"I think so..." I answered. "But what could have done it?"
"Big foot?" He asked.
"Maybe." I answered.

We went and got Jeremy to see if he could verify what it was. "Oh Man!" Jeremy said. "That is so foul!" And then he walked away. Never to return.

We told the Manager, who looked at us with doubt on her face. "Can you flush it?" She asked.
"I don't think so..." I said.

We tried to flush it several times. The water would fill up around the poop, but it wouldn't budge. "Maybe we could break it up with something." Scott suggested. "What," I asked, "Dynamite? Maybe if we keep flushing, it will erode."

Finally, I happened upon the broken handle of a plunger. "This might do it," I said and I began to chip away at it. The smell was overpowering as I chopped the concrete-block sized dookey down to hundreds of floating nuggets. After four flushes all that remained were a few tell-tale smudges and one tired employee.

It was on that night four years ago, that we first found the Big Poop. Now, every Wednesday night with stunning regularity, we still find big poop in the men's room. We think we know who its creator is. A man that we call "The Poop Fairy." To this day he continues to leave us U-Boats (because they start at the bottom of the bowl, and still manage to break the surface) in the toilet of stall number #1. The sight of many unspeakable horrors.

Legend has it, that if you visit between 5PM and 10PM on a Wednesday night...you too might see Big Poop...the stuff that legends are made of.

David

(Unfortunately the events listed above are all true. Names have not been changed because no one mentioned is really all that innocent...)